Tales of a Headhunter part 4: What type of salesperson are you?

Everyone knows only desperate attention seekers resort to turning a blog post into a quiz in the vain hope that more people will read and comment on it.

So, here's mine!

What type of salesperson are you? This is a question I regularly obsessed over when I was a headhunter, mainly because I was still finding my feet and there were so many different archetypes to choose from in my office alone, each of whom enjoyed varying rates of success. I knew I couldn't be all things to all people and that I couldn't please everyone every time, so I shopped around for the style that suited my personality best and stuck with it. Sort of.

In truth, I did try to be all things to all people and I did try to please everyone every time - at first. I then realised I was never going to succeed as long as I kept pretending to be someone I wasn't. I have since boiled down my list of archetypal salespeople to just five. Take a look below and see what type of salesperson you REALLY are.

By the way, I take no responsibility for however unflattering you may find your results....


Type 1: Phone Monkey

Monkey see, Monkey do. You see all the most successful people on the sales floor spending three or four hours a day on the phone, so you do the same. Bizarrely, this is actually incredibly effective. It's no different from walking the length of the King's Road and asking every man or woman you see to sleep with you. You'll get a few horrified looks, some harsh words, and maybe even a black eye, but you'll never go home alone.

There is a magic ingredient though, which all who aspire to 'Phone Monkeydom' must possess before they can ascend to the heady heights of success. Complete and total shamelessness - and absolutely no regard for how others see you.

Have you got what it takes, Cheetah?


Type 2: Cheeky Chappy

The Cheeky Chappy is actually a far more sophisticated animal than the name suggests. I used to idolise the people in my firm who successfully mastered this approach because they made their success look effortless, when in fact a lot of thought and strategy went into every sales call. Unlike the phone monkey, the Cheeky Chappy carefully selects their prey and their conversations are friendly and personal. These guys don't win clients, they make friends.

How do you spot a Cheeky Chappy? Well, you know that person you can never get mad at no matter how many times they cheat on you with your best friend - that's the one. Therein also lies the problem. They are chronically unreliable and susceptible to being rolled over by a client, partner, or even employee, because they've been mixing business with friendship for so long.

If this is you, then you have a bright future ahead, but keep your feet on the ground and remember: flowers say 'I love you' and chocolates say 'I'm sorry'. You'll be needing them.


Type 3: La Femme Fatale

This can apply just as readily to men as to women. They make everyone they speak to fall in love with them - or at least lust after them. How is this not just a variation of the 'Cheeky Chappy' you ask? Simple, Femmes Fatales are ruthless! They know exactly what they are doing and are under no illusions about where the line between business and pleasure must be drawn. They are professionals of the highest order and watching them work at once fills me with awe and terror. They are Psirens to my Odysseus. Allow them to take you in just once and you will never get out alive.

The good news is, you can spot them a mile away and you know you are speaking to one, the moment you meet them. The sultry voice, the expensive clothes, the Italian shoes, the absence of even a single split end, and the scent of luxury perfume or aftershave.

You don't need me to tell you if this is your type because you've known it since the day you were born.


Type 4: The Bulldog (aka Hominis Horriblis)

I was tempted to label this type the son of a b*tch because they normally are for the most part. The bulldog is the evil twin of the 'Phone Monkey'. They don't know what people think of them and they don't care. Whereas the 'Phone Monkey' simply lacks self-awareness, what these guys are missing is a soul, but they get the job done - mainly by making their clients fear that they will wake up with a horse's head in their bed if they don't buy whatever it is they are selling - NOW!

The clever consultancies learn to make the best of these people though. They send the bulldogs in to open all the doors (or just kick them down) and in behind follows the Cheeky Chappy to make clear that all those death threats were just a simple misunderstanding and will never happen again - cue chocolates.

If this is you - take what you want, just please don't hurt me.


Type 5: The Doctor

"Tell me where it hurts and I will make the pain go away". Ladies and gentlemen, you've just been consulted by 'The Doctor'. Sympathetic, scientific, and softly spoken, he or she doesn't want to sell to you, they just want to help - in return for a small fee. 'The Doctor' is an all-round nice person, someone you can talk to, and someone you can trust. They ask what they can do for you today and sit patiently for however long it takes for you to open up and tell them what the problem is. They then explain in meticulous detail how they plan to solve this problem and that they are here for you should you wish to avail yourself of their services.

The problem with doctors is that they rely on existing relationships or recommendations from satisfied customers. They don't do well on a cold call, which is no surprise. If an actual doctor appeared on your doorstep uninvited and asked to give you a physical, would you let them in?

By the way, if you are an a***hole pretending to be a 'Doctor', bad news: you are a 'Femme Fatale'.

Until next time.

Hugs :)